The loss we've experienced has left me feeling out of sorts. Feeling like the Leia in 2014 is not the same Leia I stare at in the mirror in 2015. For myself, January 1st was January 1st. It was a Thursday, no different than the Thursday before, except for on one we had Keller tucked safe inside me and on the other we did not.
As my body has healed I've had some time to process all that's occurred since December 26th. I had caring family and friends sending flowers, cards, texts, voicemails, and prayers, and all were so greatly appreciated, but more than anything - I needed to be alone with my husband and with the Lord. I needed to process for myself my feelings, my grief, my anger, my sadness. I needed to, and still continue to, walk through the process of feeling all of the things while simultaneously wrestling through my desire to celebrate Keller's life and at the same time return to working full-time in campus ministry.
In the quiet of those weeks and as this week has inched by, between the tears and silence and growing work load, it's clear that 2015 is going to be a year of surrender.
Surrendering my body.
Surrendering our families plans.
Surrendering our hopes for the future.
Surrendering our timing.
So much of what I thought would be true of 2015 will no longer be true. I will not have a growing belly this spring. Nor will I experience my 3rd Trimester in the heat of summer. On August 6th we will not meet our baby boy or girl, and the holidays will not be spent with an almost 4-5 month old. All of these which felt so real on December 25th, 2014 I've had to surrender, not of my own volition, but very forcefully they've been surrendered.
And in 2015, I pray and hope to not be in a place where it feels so very forceful and difficult to surrender. Whatever the circumstances may be.
When I look back on 2015 I want to see a twenty-something with her whole heart and all of her plans surrendered to the Lord. I want to lead and live out of a heart fully submitted to the Lord's plan for my life and not as someone holding on so tight to her personal desires, dreams, and wants. I want to experience the Lord in the times of great blessings and in the times of great sorrow - and I want to praise Him in both. I want to be okay being out of control and filled with joy as I let Christ be in control.
I cannot see the Lord's plans in taking Keller from us, if I'm honest I still feel a confusing wave of bitterness and trust all in one moment, but I surrender this to His will, His plans, and His purposes.
2015 is and will be a year of learning and unpeeling the layers required to move towards surrender.